When I went up there to use the bathroom, I noticed a slightly open door and I looked in the room and saw Leslie with a guy on top of her. I knew right away that she was fucking him but I couldn't take my eyes off of them. She looked so happy and that's when she looked over at me, winked and motioned for me to come in the room. I went on inside and stood there, watching her get fucked by this guy.She told the boy to get off of her which he did and his cock was sticking straight out. She told me to go over to him and touch it. I was a little scared at first but did and it was still wet from her pussy and for some reason, I wanted it in my mouth. I leaned over and let him stick it between my lips and the taste of it, all covered in Leslie's juice, turned me on till I was getting wet! I slid my mouth up and down the shaft as fast as I could and at the same time, I felt Leslie get behind me. She pulled my shorts off and then my panties. I was on all fours and when I felt her finger go in. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be myself', I guess.Ugh.Not long after I found out about masturbation, and then the internet, I discovered stories describing BDSM relationships, and it resonated somewhere deep inside of me. I wanted to be a dominant. I wanted control. But that inequality was so alien to how I was raised that I felt tremendous guilt about it and never told a soul about my desires. The guilt, however great, never stopped me from fantasizing. If I was going to turn over a new leaf, and try to be open and truly honest with my potential partners, I needed to acknowledge this part of me. Let it out, and learn how.
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